STUDY FINDS ONLY 6% OF LAME MUSICIANS TOO SCARED TO SIT IN

The economic downturn appears to be the cause of an unusually high number of lame musicians begging to sit in countrywide. A recent study paid for by the CWSG (Cats With Steady Gigs) revealed a dramatic increase in the number of lame musicians who are no longer too scared to approach bandleaders about sitting in.

The same study taken in 2003 showed that the vast majority of dreadful musicians and classical musicians counterfeiting knowledge of the jazz idiom were too afraid to ask to sit in at clubs with regular jazz musicians, but that has now changed.

Harold Schwitzgenheimer, President of CWSG, reports that he has been inundated with sit-in requests at his Holiday Inn Sunday Jazz Brunch gig in Moab and that similar complaints from bandleaders with steady gigs are pouring in on his Blackberry from all over the country.

“Just last Sunday, this guy walks up to the bandstand, whips out a harmonica and jumps on the microphone while we’re playing a blues in F. I mean man... like he didn’t even notice that his harp was in the key of Db,” Schwitzgenheimer said. “Like man… this crap is getting out of hand. Three people in the buffet line turned around and made faces at us. Hey, you know… these jerks are putting our gigs in jeopardy. Some of them don’t even ask anymore, just bring their axes up and start blowing wrong changes.”

A drummer with a steady Wednesday night gig at the American Legion in Terryville, Connecticut (speaking under the condition of anonymity, because he was not authorized to speak), said the problem has worsened in the past year and that, whereas in the past only drunk Legionnaire’s wives wanted to sit in and sing tunes like, On The Wings of a Snow White Dove, now every out-of-work accordion player and polka band clarinetist in the area shows up – sometimes just pathetically standing in front of the band holding their axe until the leader lets them play a tune.

Schwitzgenheimer thinks the only solution to the dilemma is increased intimidation from the cats on the stand. “You know -- we just gotta get tougher and tell these wannabee jerks that they are really lame. No more Mr. Nice Guy. If somebody wants to buy us a drink, well maybe we can let ‘em play a couple of choruses of Summertime, but nothing more than that. I'm putting the word out on it."

Kareena (Zoot) Zmielenkowski says she can play jazz if someone would just give her a chance.

A telephone poll taken from a sampling of Musician’s Union Directories and Craig’s List Musicians Seeking Work ads, conducted by TIG (Truth In General), showed that, out of one thousand musicians polled, 38 percent said they were "actively sitting in," 56 percent said they were "likely to sit in" and only 6 percent said they were "too scared to sit in." It was a dramatic drop from the 78 percent who said they were "scared shitless to sit in" during a similar poll taken in 2003.

The poll was based on interviews with 289 adult musicians, 320 semi-adult musicians and 391 overtly childish musicians. (86 FKU text message replies were not included.) The poll had a sampling margin of error of plus or minus 3 percentage points.

***